Fifty Shades of Red

Photo by  NIR HIMI  on  Unsplash A Toast To:  Joy coming from within, and gifting others with my energy. Song Pairing: Leona Lewis - “Bleeding Love” (from the album, Spirit, 2007) - or as my brother calls it “The Period Song.” It has been over a year since I started living on my own again. October will mark a year of separation from my husband. This blog has explored some aspects of my highs and lows and has been an outlet for healing, escape, but mostly for recollection, processing thoughts, and gaining perspective.  A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I have spent very few years as a single person. As a teenager, I was very mature for my age. I looked older, acted older, and my life experiences far exceeded those in my age group. It’s probably why most of the people I hung out with back then were older than me. My first kiss came at fifteen, which I think is old for first kisses. Now, I had been kissed, but there was no tongue until fifteen. I was in a relat...

  Photo by  Mick Haupt  on  Unsplash A Toast To:  My Dad - please don't be mad. Song Pairing:  The Guess Who  "No Sugar Tonight / New Mother Nature” (from the album, American Woman, 1970). By now I think I have established my love of fur babies. I have introduced my crazy pupperoo, Boo, to the "Redheads" (that's you). Out walking the Boo last week, I thought about how lucky I've been to have so many pets. In the case of Boo, the only reason it's possible for me to have her is because of a shared arrangement I have with her Daddy. This made me think, how did I manage in the past? How did my parents manage? Admittedly, Boo is spoiled rotten, and I am absolutely the problem. She gets four walks a day. She is not let out in a backyard, on a leash, to aimlessly wonder until she does her business. Boo is also very rarely left alone. As I continued my stroll, I pondered about how, as a kid, we left our dog Daisy by her lonesome all day long? And then I rememb...

Photo Credit: Personal Archives Song Pairing: Blue Rodeo  "Head Over Heels” (from the album, Five Days in July, 1993). Toast To:   Trusting the process. So many emotions, so much to say, where to start? I don’t know if the anticipation began upon deciding to take this trip, or if it gradually built over time as I planned and saved. All I know is I have had a lot of thoughts, more than usual, and more than I have liked. Too much time either frees my mind or busies it. No doubt my nagging intuition that this trip had a bigger purpose didn't help. A purpose greater than me, one out of my control, and perhaps one I really didn’t want to confront. As much as I am grateful for having the opportunity to take this adventure, and though I saw and felt much beauty every day, the fear, sadness, and loneliness felt over the past two weeks was extremely tough. Trust me, I wanted none of it, and I tried very hard to choke it down the minute it crept up. Quickly I realized I was fucked....

​ Image Credit: Personal Archives A Toast To:   Shakin’ Bake. Song Pairing:  Rod Stewart  "Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” (from the album, Blondes Have More Fun, 1978). Two years ago, sitting in the living room of a close friend whom I have shared twenty-five years with, I mentioned wanting to take a trip to celebrate my fiftieth birthday. To my surprise, she too had the idea, and when I asked where she was thinking, she said Tuscany. Bing bing bing! Of all the regions in Italy, she picked the one I had on my bucket list. Then and there we decided to meet in Tuscany, May of 2026, to celebrate. Fast forward through eighteen months of diligently saving, budgeting, planning, and figuring out all the things I didn’t need but would buy for the trip. Now I have caught you up. Prior to hitting up Italy, I decided it might be a good time to challenge myself through a solo adventure. I have done some lone tours in the past, but it has been, like, twenty years. No big deal, right? Like ridi...

  Photo by  Lucas  on  Unsplash A Toast To:  Nice guys finishing last. Song Pairing: Alanis Morissette  "You Learn" (from the album, Jagged Little Pill, 1995). Inspiration for content the last few weeks has taken a back seat. My goal for the year is to post twice a month. It's especially important I achieve this goal for myself, but I have a few things going on. Such is life I suppose. So, in keeping with the spirit of this post I may have to change my goal to posting twenty-four times over the course of 2026. This technically still counts. I have felt the need to write, and the desire is there, my brain has just been overwhelmed, and I have been feeling more fatigued than usual. If my body and mind could just resolve their differences and work in tandem, maybe my nervous system would chill the fuck out. I know what you're thinking, girl...relax.  Chase a gummy with a glass of wine. Eat a pastry overstuffed with diplomat cream. Go for a run. Get a mass...

A Toast To: Keep on keeping on. Song Pairing: Serena Ryder "Better Now" (from the album, The Art of Falling Apart, 2021). Over the past year, I have lost about thirty pounds. I was this same weight in 2006 on my wedding day. The first one. I remember the number on the scale not being good enough back then. It was never good enough. Even today, being able to look at myself naked in front of the mirror more confidently than I ever have before, it’s still not enough. I don’t know that it ever will be, despite all the years and all that I have learned along the way. My mother birthed my nine-pound, thirteen-ounce ass, the good old-fashioned natural way, with ample drugs on board. In 1976, I was considered a big baby. Today, ten-pound kids seem to be more common. I blame processed foods, super-sizing, and Trump. I epitomized the pudgy-wudgy, chubby-cheeked, thunder thighs, roll-poly baby, except I one-upped all others and came out with a full head of red hair to boot. Pretty sure ...