Post 6 - Serenity Now

 

A Toast To: Trying something new.

Song Pairing: Thomas Rhett "Life Changes" (from the album, Life Changes, 2017).

Inspiration for content the last few weeks has taken a back seat. My goal for the year is to post twice a month. It's very important to me to achieve this goal but I have a few things going on. Such is life I suppose. So, in keeping with the spirit of this post I may have to change my goal to posting twenty-four times over the course of 2026. This technically still counts. I have felt the need to write, and the desire, my brain has just been overwhelmed and I have been feeling more fatigued than usual. If my body and mind could just resolve their differences and work with one another, maybe my nervous system would chill the fuck out. I know what you're thinking: smoke some weed, relax. Have a glass of wine. Go for a run. Get a massage. Swipe right. Eat a pastry stuffed to the brim with diplomat cream. Trust me I have tried these things. They help, for a brief moment.

This is where fifty-year-old Red finds herself trying to do things differently. Working on myself unfortunately means being constantly present and with that comes analyzing my every thought and moving more strategically. I have been practicing new techniques and people are actually noticing. I used to be pretty good at losing my shit and let me tell you it felt really good sometimes. Mind you the adrenaline only lasted a few seconds before turning to "oh fuck" but it's pretty epic in the moment. Screaming in the car has much the same effect with far less casualties. Like all emotions, I assume rage has a purpose. As of late, I'm not really feeling rage, I am more into smiling through the stupid, and trying to lean into this trend of "softness." Now for people who know me well, "soft" is not an adjective that best describes me. More suitable words would include hard, strong, independent, bitchy, impatient, opinionated and angry. Let's explore how this may have come to be for all you curious cats out there.

A very long story short...at eight years old my father discovered my mother was having an affair and that ended their marriage. My father told my mother to leave. My brother and I lived with my father for several years afterwards. At that time, and very naturally, I took on a parental role until my Stepmother Linda came into our family. Through my teens I spent some years with my father inclusively and some years with my mother inclusively. The concept of "co-parenting" did not exist. My parents did not step foot in the same space until I was twenty-seven. Growing up I never felt like anything I was doing as a kid was unusual. It just was. I actually liked being able to take care of my Dad. With my Mom it was very different. I only really started to understand the consequences of my Mom's behaviours towards me in my early thirties. Both of my parents approached loving me in very different ways. My Dad stepped back. My mother insisted on it. Both approaches yielded unique results.

Independence came in handy while transitioning into adulthood, going to school, working, dating and living on my own. Protecting myself was a necessity. Appearing strong, and hardening myself to the world was the only way I knew how to survive. Unfortunately, feeling the need to protect my heart for so many years caused me some issues with trust, hurt and anger. Being angry has never served me well. Completely unravelling publicly, gets attention but not the kind I am looking for. It's exhausting being angry. Good old Dr. Phil would ask "how's that working for you?" The simple answer is, it's not. It never has. On the upside however, it seems over the past few months I have let my guard down a little, "softened up" and this has caused a little mind shift. It could be that I am just fresh out of fucks or maybe fifty is a magical year of rebirth. There is absolutely no plan, this course correct seems to be unravelling very organically. Having heard it is physically easier and requires less effort to smile than frown I have decided to roll with it.

Taking this on, means truly digging deep and forcing honesty on myself. It's been uncomfortable, lonely and I fucking cry a lot. Tears heal trauma no? On the flip side, the experience is also somewhat exciting, peaceful and inspiring. Getting reacquainted with my gut instinct has been challenging. The hardest part has been admitting to chasing love, approval, and acceptance my whole life and realizing it was a waste of time and utterly pointless. I also had to take an inventory of the people in my life and redefine my circle of care. The changes I most want to stick, are going to take some muscle memory; setting boundaries, asking directly for what I want, not settling and dismissing red flags immediately. I know I have some really great parts but there are a few broken ones too that I am determined to fucking fix.

Ironically, since switching from hard luggage to soft, I feel a lot less jostled. I expected, and braced myself to be absolutely pummeled. Instead it's like I'm a Handmaid "blessing the fruit and letting the Lord open." I decided my best bet was to meet all nouns on equal playing fields. My intention is to match the inputs and outputs of others, rather than always trying to do more. It's not me declaring defeat, or a lack of caring, nor am I lowering my standards. It's just time for a little break and I thought I would try this approach on for size. See how it feels. So far there has been positive feedback and I feel lighter. Let this quick mini post serve as notice to family and friends that I may be a little quieter. If you want to have a conversation, be sure to listen as much as you speak. This is also fair warning that I am going to need way more hugs and humour need be applied liberally. For just a little while, let's do less serious, more fun and focus on compassion. This is where I'm at right now and really I hope you'll wanna meet me here.

RR

xo

Works Cited 

Frank Costanza, played by Jerry Stiller on Seinfeld 1993-1998.

The Handmaid's Tale, Created by Bruce Miller, Hulu, 2017-2025. Based on the novel of the same name by Margaret Atwood, 1985.