Post 6 - Serenity Now

 

A Toast To: Nice guys finishing last.

Song Pairing: Alanis Morissette "You Learn" (from the album, Jagged Little Pill, 1995).

Inspiration for content the last few weeks has taken a back seat. My goal for the year is to post twice a month. It's especially important I achieve this goal for myself, but I have a few things going on. Such is life I suppose. So, in keeping with the spirit of this post I may have to change my goal to posting twenty-four times over the course of 2026. This technically still counts. I have felt the need to write, and the desire is there, my brain has just been overwhelmed, and I have been feeling more fatigued than usual. If my body and mind could just resolve their differences and work in tandem, maybe my nervous system would chill the fuck out. I know what you're thinking, girl...relax. Chase a gummy with a glass of wine. Eat a pastry overstuffed with diplomat cream. Go for a run. Get a massage. Swipe right. Trust me I have tried these things. They help, briefly.

This is where fifty-year-old Red finds herself trying to do things differently. Working on myself means being constantly present and with that comes analyzing my every thought and moving more strategically. I have been practicing new techniques and people are noticing. I used to be fairly good at losing my shit and let me tell you it felt really good sometimes. Mind you the adrenaline only lasts a few seconds before turning into "oh fuck" but it's epic while happening. Advice to readers, screaming in the car has much the same effect with far less casualties. Like all emotions, I assume rage has a purpose. As of late, I'm not really feeling rage, I am more into smiling through the stupid and trying to lean into this trend of "softness." Now for people who know me well, "soft" is not an adjective that best describes me. More suitable words might include hard, strong, independent, bitchy, impatient, opinionated, and angry. Let us explore how this may have come to be for all you curious cats out there.

An exceedingly long story short...at eight years old my father discovered my mother was having an affair and that ended their marriage. My father told my mother to leave. My brother and I lived with my father for several years thereafter. At that time, and very naturally, I took on a parental role until my Stepmother Linda came into our lives. Through my teens I spent some years with my father inclusively and some years with my mother inclusively. The concept of "co-parenting" for my parents was not a viable option. My parents did not step foot in the same room until I was twenty-seven. Growing up I never felt like anything I was doing as a kid was unusual. It just was. I liked taking care of my Dad. With my Mom, the expected level of care was harmful. Both of my parents approached loving me in vastly different ways. My Dad stepped back. My mother overstepped. Both approaches yielded unique results.

Independence was a strength while transitioning into adulthood, going to school, working, dating, and living on my own. Protecting myself was a necessity. Appearing strong and hardening myself to the world was the only way I knew how to survive. Unfortunately, feeling the need to protect my heart for so many years has caused me issues with trust, hurt, and anger. Anger never served me well. Completely unravelling publicly, gets attention but not the kind I am looking for. It's exhausting being angry. Good old Dr. Phil would ask "how's that working for you?" The simple answer is, it's not. It never has. On the upside however, it seems over the past few months I have let my guard down a little, "softened up" and this has caused a bit of a mind shift. It could be that I am just fresh out of fucks or perhaps turning fifty unlocks a magical portal to Zen. There is absolutely no plan, this course correct seems to be unravelling very organically. Having heard it is physically easier, and requires less effort to smile than frown, I have decided to roll with it. Hanging up my caregiving cloak, to instead be cared for, sounds delightful right now.

Taking this on, means truly digging deep and forcing honesty on myself. It has been uncomfortable, lonely and I fucking cry a lot. Tears heal trauma, no? On the flip side, the experience is also exciting, peaceful, and inspiring. Getting reacquainted with my gut instinct has been challenging. The hardest part has been admitting to chasing love, approval, and acceptance my whole life and realizing it was a waste of time and utterly pointless. I also had to take an inventory of the people in my life and redefine my circle of care. The changes I most want to stick, are going to take muscle memory; setting boundaries, being direct in asking for what I want, not settling, and dismissing red flags immediately. I know I have great parts but there are also a few broken ones that I am determined to fix.

Ironically, since switching from hard luggage to soft, I feel less jostled. I expected and braced myself to be absolutely pummeled. Instead, I feel like a Handmaid "blessing the fruit and letting the Lord open." I decided my best bet was to meet all nouns on equal playing fields. My intention is to match the inputs and outputs of others, rather than always trying to do more. It's not me declaring defeat, or a lack of caring, nor am I lowering my standards. It's just time for a little break and I thought I would try this approach on for size. See how it feels. So far there has been positive feedback and I feel lighter. 

Let this quick, mini post serve as notice to family and friends that I might be a little quieter. I welcome company and conversation but be sure to listen as much as you speak. This is also fair warning that I am going to need way more hugs and please apply humour liberally. For just a little while, let's do less serious, more fun, and focus on compassion. This is where I'm at right now and I really hope you'll want to meet me here.

RR

xo

P.S. Don't forget to ask the strong ones how we are doing.

Works Cited 

Frank Costanza, played by Jerry Stiller on Seinfeld 1993-1998.

The Handmaid's Tale, Created by Bruce Miller, Hulu, 2017-2025. Based on the novel of the same name by Margaret Atwood, 1985.