Fifty Shades of Red

Photo Credit: Personal Archives Song Pairing: Blue Rodeo  "Head Over Heels” (from the album, Five Days in July, 1993). Toast To:   Trusting the process. So many emotions, so much to say, where to start? I don’t know if the anticipation began upon deciding to take this trip, or if it gradually built over time as I planned and saved. All I know is I have had a lot of thoughts, more than usual, and more than I have liked. Too much time either frees my mind or busies it. No doubt my nagging intuition that this trip had a bigger purpose didn't help. A purpose greater than me, one out of my control, and perhaps one I really didn’t want to confront. As much as I am grateful for having the opportunity to take this adventure, and though I saw and felt much beauty every day, the fear, sadness, and loneliness felt over the past two weeks was extremely tough. Trust me, I wanted none of it, and I tried very hard to choke it down the minute it crept up. Quickly I realized I was fucked....

​ Image Credit: Personal Archives A Toast To:   Shakin’ Bake. Song Pairing:  Rod Stewart  "Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” (from the album, Blondes Have More Fun, 1978). Two years ago, sitting in the living room of a close friend whom I have shared twenty-five years with, I mentioned wanting to take a trip to celebrate my fiftieth birthday. To my surprise, she too had the idea, and when I asked where she was thinking, she said Tuscany. Bing bing bing! Of all the regions in Italy, she picked the one I had on my bucket list. Then and there we decided to meet in Tuscany, May of 2026, to celebrate. Fast forward through eighteen months of diligently saving, budgeting, planning, and figuring out all the things I didn’t need but would buy for the trip. Now I have caught you up. Prior to hitting up Italy, I decided it might be a good time to challenge myself through a solo adventure. I have done some lone tours in the past, but it has been, like, twenty years. No big deal, right? Like ridi...

  A Toast To:  Nice guys finishing last. Song Pairing: Alanis Morissette  "You Learn" (from the album, Jagged Little Pill, 1995). Inspiration for content the last few weeks has taken a back seat. My goal for the year is to post twice a month. It's especially important I achieve this goal for myself, but I have a few things going on. Such is life I suppose. So, in keeping with the spirit of this post I may have to change my goal to posting twenty-four times over the course of 2026. This technically still counts. I have felt the need to write, and the desire is there, my brain has just been overwhelmed, and I have been feeling more fatigued than usual. If my body and mind could just resolve their differences and work in tandem, maybe my nervous system would chill the fuck out. I know what you're thinking, girl...relax.  Chase a gummy with a glass of wine. Eat a pastry overstuffed with diplomat cream. Go for a run. Get a massage. Swipe right. Trust me I have tried these...

A Toast To: Keep on keeping on. Song Pairing: Serena Ryder "Better Now" (from the album, The Art of Falling Apart, 2021). Over the past year, I have lost about thirty pounds. I was this same weight in 2006 on my wedding day. The first one. I remember the number on the scale not being good enough back then. It was never good enough. Even today, being able to look at myself naked in front of the mirror more confidently than I ever have before, it’s still not enough. I don’t know that it ever will be, despite all the years and all that I have learned along the way. My mother birthed my nine-pound, thirteen-ounce ass, the good old-fashioned natural way, with ample drugs on board. In 1976, I was considered a big baby. Today, ten-pound kids seem to be more common. I blame processed foods, super-sizing, and Trump. I epitomized the pudgy-wudgy, chubby-cheeked, thunder thighs, roll-poly baby, except I one-upped all others and came out with a full head of red hair to boot. Pretty sure ...

A Toast To: Progress? Song Pairing: The Blue Stones "Come Apart" (from the album, METRO, 2025). Anxiety is a fucker. It's a thing I wish didn't exist. I am even annoyed with myself for giving it space on this page and more time than I already do. The fucker is with me most days, less so on good ones. With anxiety comes an expertise in the glorious world of mindfucking. Add in living alone and having a whole lot of time to myself, it's fucking wonder how or why I get my ass out of bed everyday. Definition of anxiety: 1a) apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impeding or anticipated misfortune b) an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concern the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it c) mentally distressing concern or interest  d) a strong desire sometimes mixed with doubt, fear, o...

Image Credit: Personal Archives A Toast To:  Four legged fur babies of past and present.  Song Pairing:   Finger Eleven - “I’ll Keep Your Memory Vague” (from the album, Them vs. You vs. Me, 2007). February 20th, 2026 marks National Love Your Pet Day. If you’re thinking “aren’t there other fur baby days?” Why yes, reader, thanks for asking. Let me tell you all about them! There are many official days throughout the calendar year that give pet parents and animal lovers a legit reason to celebrate. We’ve got National Dog Day, Cat Day, Puppy Day, Black Dog Day, Black Cat Day, Pet Day, Mutt Day…there are actually over 140 national days dedicated to pets, animals, and veterinarians.  For a full listing, ask Google. Animals being a part of my life started before I could even walk. My grandparents had Kaiser, I believe he was a Samoyed. Then there was Lady the Irish Setter and a lab named Zeus who lived next door and then…then there was Daisy. Daisy is not her real name. I w...