Post 8 - Italy
Song Pairing: Blue Rodeo "Head Over Heels” (from the album, Five Days in July, 1993).
Toast To: Trusting the process.
So many emotions, so much to say, where to start? I don’t know if the anticipation began upon deciding to take this trip, or if it gradually built over time as I planned and saved. All I know is I have had a lot of thoughts, more than usual, and more than I have liked. Too much time either frees my mind or busies it. No doubt my nagging intuition that this trip had a bigger purpose didn't help. A purpose greater than me, one out of my control, and perhaps one I really didn’t want to confront. As much as I am grateful for having the opportunity to take this adventure, and though I saw and felt much beauty every day, the fear, sadness, and loneliness felt over the past two weeks was extremely tough. Trust me, I wanted none of it, and I tried very hard to choke it down the minute it crept up. Quickly I realized I was fucked. It seemed I was meant to face all of it, struggle through it, and that really pissed me off. Yes, I wanted to learn and grow, but all of it came at me in levels I am not yet equipped to handle.
My first six days were spent solo in Malta. It was uncomfortable, but I had a very luxurious environment supporting me. Blue skies, bluer seas, sunny days, warm breezes, and natural beauty enveloped me. When I needed a break from all of that, my four-star suite with a balcony facing the Mediterranean was perfect shelter. The room service menu was also a tremendous help. I ventured out on hikes around the island most days, set out to sea on another, and braved the busy bustle of the city in the sweltering heat near the end of my stay. Every day I relaxed poolside or by the beach, ate every meal outside, and took a bubble bath before bed. Everything I did exposed my awareness of being on my own. I didn’t enjoy that. Again, I tried to push the thoughts down, come up with alternatives, and power through. Positive affirmations were a crutch, but I think they were made out of pool noodles. Of course, everything lightened up a little, but it was temporary. The peace and clarity I had hoped for had been hijacked, and I questioned every day why.
Tuscany. Tuscany, Tuscany, Tuscany. No matter where I looked, there was a view. Incredible landscapes, the kind seen in paintings and postcards. I would have been happy with just what I could see from the quaint little window that opened like a door in my room at the villa. Fortunately, I had eight days to fully immerse myself in this dream place, absorbing every sight, scent, and sound, in an attempt to never forget. The beauty tugged at my emotions. I went to Tuscany to meet a friend. To celebrate our fiftieth year. She brought seventeen others to help us. Most nights we gathered, nineteen around a table under a tree. Place settings perfect, a nightly colour scheme, flowers to match, and lights or candles to finish off the look. We ate traditional Tuscan, drank local wine, mixed and mingled under the stars. Connections were effortless, conversations were easy, and laughter was abundant. These people who surrounded me for seven nights took me in, very much a stray, and gave me a home away from home. Excursions through wineries, eight-hundred-year-old villages, artisan shops, lunches, stops for gelato, and quick cups of espresso felt out of body.
Florence was a beast. For a girl who lives in the heart of Canada’s Capital, I have learned that I am definitely not a city girl. Valletta and Sliema in Malta, same experience as Florence. A different kind of beauty in itself but one I know I can only take in small amounts. In the spirit of dissecting all of my thoughts on vacation, I pondered if this was a new thing for me. Because I'm fifty now. It is not. I didn’t like the crowds at Disney as a kid, I get anxiety at IKEA, and Canada Day on the Hill was a one-and-done. I will say though, that major cities in Malta and Italy are on vastly different scales from what I'm used to. Culture shock was extreme. Fatigue real. Body parts that never bothered me did. Grateful to have the opportunity to go, see, absorb, but just as happy to leave.
Travel days were absolutely exhausting, for my body and my mind. The random overnighters in strange places did not make for great sleep. However, my efforts were often rewarded. Randomly running into new friends on streets in Florence, Tuscany, and the airport was extraordinary, and it happened several times. How is that even possible? I never see anyone I know out and about at home.
Now for the best part: Understanding the lessons of the trip. The big message, the meaning behind it, the inspiration, all the things. The bright fucking light bulb moment I was searching for. Right? Well, in true Red fashion, it’s definitely not easily packaged into a neat, tiny little sentence. I will process it as best I can here. What I know for sure:
Malta
Hair salons and barber shops closely compare in numbers to weed shops in Canada.
UK drivers are fearless and live on the edge every single day.
Stay in the countryside; visit the city.
The Mediterranean in May is cold. Cannonballing in should be reconsidered.
Citizens are exactly as I thought they would be— beautiful, kind, and proud.
Italy
Train stations need seating.
Hydrating is not important. Public washrooms are even less important.
Spend your money at places where there are no lineups.
Tradition, food, and happiness are abundant.
General
Personal hygiene is optional on planes.
Too many people travel when sick.
Chivalry is dead when lugging around a fifty-pound suitcase and trying to enter an elevator, train, airport, or even just walk.
Countries outside of Canada let everyone in and don’t care what you bring.
The more serious of my thoughts are much more jumbled. Bear with me. I saw a post on Instagram that mentioned “people change their lives more after travel than after therapy.” Gabor Maté elegantly speaks about the “heart having its own nervous system” and how when you “feel it in your heart, it’s real…but knowledge comes from the gut.” Plato highlighted the interconnectedness of mind and body, emphasizing that "physical healing requires addressing the soul, or the whole person." He argued that to cure the body, "you must first treat the soul (mind)", stating that the great error of his day was "physicians separating the two." This is the kind of shit that spins around in my head and causes panic attacks that wake me from my much-needed slumber. My body and mind were absolutely feeling much more deeply than normal. That’s super fucking deep if you know me. The lessons from this journey will no doubt continue to unfold and become clearer as I move forward. I was, however, reminded of a few key things:
1. Travel needs to be a priority for me again.
2. Food needs to be used to feed my whole person and not just my belly.
3. Strangers can become friends.
4. Taking pride in the little things, as I always have, is not insignificant.
5. Seeing beauty in everything is a skill I am good at, and one not everyone has.
6. Travelling solo at fifty comes with fear, uncertainty, doubt, and a lot of anxiety. I don’t think I need to do it again.
7. A life alone is not what I want.
I am tremendously proud of myself for taking this trip. I know I needed to do it to prove to myself I could. I am more proud of surviving the avalanche of feelings that pummelled me unexpectedly. I absolutely wish the trip would have been lighter in all aspects, but I also believe I was never meant to walk around obstacles. Bottom line is I need to trust myself again, take comfort in my independence, and allow people to care for me without guilt. The past sixteen days were a good start. Complete strangers went out of their way for me, showed kindness, smiled, laughed, kissed my hand, shared their stories, and listened to mine. People I hardly knew enjoyed my company. Little things add up. Little things are impactful. Little things I do well. If I learned anything from this experience, it is to move forward, concentrating much more on the little things.
RR
xo
Works Cited
Chidiac, Daniel. Stop Letting Everything Affect You. Undercover Publishing House Pty Ltd.. Melbourne, Australia. 2025.
Maté, Gabor. "We have 3 brains." YouTube, uploaded by Dr. Gabor Maté, 2 Oct. 2023, www.youtube.com/shorts/pbg_IiRgsd4.
Plato. (1986). Charmides 156e (T. G. West & G. S. West, Trans.). Hackett Publishing Company. (Original work published ca. 380 BCE).
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