Post 1 - Fitting Into Fifty

Photo by Damian Siodłak on Unsplash

Toast To: Parents trying their best.

Song Pairing: Bryan Adams - "Somebody" (from the album, Reckless, 1984).

Being a redhead taught me early on how to be noticed, misunderstood and underestimated - and fifty years later I finally see the gift in that. I didn’t wake up at fifty with wisdom - I woke up with perspective, a lower tolerance for bullshit, and a lot of unfinished thoughts.

Where do I begin? Well, I am going to start with where I think I went wrong. Or what I think it is at this point in my life. Cue drumroll…I listened to adults. Is your mind blown by my revelation? Shocking right? I, like most kids put all of my trust in elders cause kids look to adults as role models, believing they know what the fuck they’re doing.  What I didn’t know back then, is that not all adults have their shit together. Some of them come from really fucked up childhoods and it significantly impacts their ability to guide impressionable young minds. Especially those of their own children. Why do most people have children then? Is it because they really want to? Is it because they want to one up their own parents? Or are they following the good old tried and true method?

My childhood seemed typical and average, I have minimal memory of anything prior to age eight. When I think back, eight was when my childhood trajectory shifted positions. Okay it probably drifted slightly when I was hospitalized at three but that is not the memory I want to explore right now.

The shift began with Little Granny dying. I had a Big Granny and a Little Granny.  Little Granny was very short and petite, Big Granny was, well not. If I recall correctly, Little Granny died of kidney failure attributed to alcoholism. My mother was devastated and that devastated me because the love I had for my Mom as a child was powerful and immeasurable.  

I remember my Mom telling me Granny died and I remember her being so sad. This made me sad. I remember my parents arguing about my brother and I going to my Granny’s wake and my Dad losing that one pretty quick. I remember sitting beside my mother in the reception area of the funeral home and her telling me Granny was “just sleeping.”  I remember being scared, sad and thinking the place smelled. I also remember feeling the need to cry because everyone around me was, even though I wasn’t particularly sad or even all that fond of Little Granny. The worst part is I did this because I thought this is what my Mom wanted. I was extremely loyal to my Mom back then and I didn’t want to disappoint her.

Looking back now with Lasix eyes, I’m certain my Mom’s sadness around the time of Granny’s death wasn’t totally sincere. I don’t fault her for this. Not being publicly sad when a parent dies isn’t really socially acceptable. People have expectations and my Mom, like me didn’t want to disappoint anyone or appear heartless. I have come to realize my Mom did a lot of things over the years for attention, she still does.  Attention she obviously didn’t get as a child. I have faced many moments where adults failed me. Disappointed me. Particularly my parents but I promise this blog is not going to be about blaming my parents. It’s about the decisions I made not knowing there were alternatives, the lessons I thought I learned, what I didn’t and what fifty years has taught me. There are so many things I though I understood at the time, that make completely different sense now.  

When Little Granny died I didn’t know the history. I didn’t know my Mom was adopted, I didn’t know my Uncle, my Mom’s brother, hung my mother on a door hook when his parents left them alone. I didn’t know my Granny was an alcoholic. I didn’t know my Mom didn’t have a very good relationship with her parents, that they were abusive to her and I didn’t know my Mom felt abandoned and unloved.

I was not blessed with the opportunity to be a Mom. Truthfully until about thirty, I never wanted children. I would even go as far as to say I was anti-children.  When my heart and mind opened about this subject, shortly after my first marriage ended and my nephew was born, I wanted a child like an iguana wants sunshine. Why did I suddenly want children? Well I’m sure most of it was hormones and the tick tocking of that fucking clock. Yes, the clock is real.  More importantly no one tells you even if you don’t want children that your body is going to force you to rethink the idea. It could have also been for one of the reasons I mentioned earlier.  I know I felt alone and was lonely and I did think having a child meant I would never be alone or lonely again. I also desperately wanted to be loved unconditionally. I have no doubt this is why my Mom had children. I also believe she never thought not having children was an option.  

I have followed the conventional path for nearly fifty years now because I didn’t think there was an alternative. Most adults, elders, parents genuinely do their best. They lead with what is familiar. It’s the only point of reference most people have going into parenthood. My close friend often reminds her kids that it’s her “first time doing this parenting thing.” If I had to guess, my parents had children back in the seventies because that was what you did after marriage. Most couples still get married with the intention of building a life together, buying a house and having children. There is nothing wrong with this. My parents did their best. I learned a lot from them and I am who I am today because of them. Good and bad. However, fifty years has opened my eyes to the plethora of other options available to me. Options that weren’t well advertised to me growing up. Or maybe they were but I was too insecure to veer off course. Age has finally given me confidence to start taking the road less travelled (thank you M. Scott Peck and Robert Frost). For the second half of my life I just want to trust in myself, drown out the opinions of others and let my heart fully bloom.

Fitting into fifty won’t come without challenges. I’m not living in la-la land. It will be complete with all of life’s crazy directions. There is no one, straight path.  I know being older doesn't mean I levelled up to some fantasy world where things are easier. I just want to do better. This is not to say what I’ve done so far isn’t enough. I have just always considered myself a work in progress with a lot of room for improvement. What's most important to me now is passing on the message to the younger generations in my life that anything really is possible. I want them to grow up knowing there is no wrong move or specific lane they should stay in.  They just need to do what I didn't and know, no matter what, I got them.

RR

xo